April 23, 2011
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Smile or Frown?
Read a blog post written by this guy whom I subscribe to on Xanga. He was lamenting how he had allowed a 'silent war' get between him and his close friend.
I am reminded of my stupidity as a child and as a teenager. The price I paid for those moments of stupidity and how I am afraid I will find myself doing the same again and again.
I've fallen out with many friends in the past. I have this capacity to simply shut out everyone and ignore them and only concentrate on my own needs and desires. From various parts of my life - primary school, secondary school, jc, uni and even working life.
Each time I fall into a new circle of friends, my old ones are forgotten, given away in trade of these new shiny beings.
I am guilty.
I've been the initiator of cold wars. I know I fell away from my JC mates because of that. A stupid argument that made me reject their friendship. Something that I wish I had not been so stupid about all this time. For my JC mates, you know who you are. I'm sorry and hope one day we can mend that bridge.
I guess time has mellowed me. I rarely get angry to that point anymore. The last time that happened was over a year ago, perhaps more. Even if I do, I recognise the importance of forgiveness. Perhaps my heart has seen so much pain, that I am able to accept those people who hurt me. Perhaps I am simply naïve and stupid. Perhaps I just value peace much more.
It frustrates me, the anger, the judgement, the horrible fear. The confusion and chaos it creates makes me wonder how do people live with such hatred, such emotions, such negativity.
It makes me weak.
What do I do now? Where should I go? How should I fall? I have no answers. Simply many questions.
I do know this: A smile lights up a room. A frown darkens it. We are all reflections of our friends and we only need to see who we hang out with to know who we are. I refuse to be the thunder cloud in the sky. I will be the candle in the night.
Comments (3)
I am guilty of it too. I would say quite a number of my friends are guilty of it also..
To put it selfishly, I would say I just wanted to protect myself from getting hurt, to keep out things and stuff that would hurt me and in turn, I turn away from a lot of people.
Do I regret? No. I have came to peace to myself as I felt if the clock does turn back, I would do the same thing too as at that age, with that level of maturity, it seemed the only logical thing to do (as in that is the only way I can handle it without me being miserable and hurt). Now I am older (more mature?), I am more 看得开(in short mellowed a lot), I do see things differently and can compromise more.. I just do not have the same energy to argue anymore.
Like you, I value peace now. I just want to be happy.
I no longer seek answers to most of the questions. I can accept that if I cannot get the answers then, perhaps, I will never get them, What has happened. has already happened. There is no way the clock can be turned （世界没有后悔药可以吃）. All I can do is move forward, try to make amendments and come to peace to myself.
Thanks ronlin, I totally agree with what you say.
Whenever I think about it, I will always remind myself of this: 天下没有不散的宴席.
Even if we turn back the clock, the good times will come to an end anyway, so maybe its better to just treasure those memories we have. As the saying goes: 不在乎天长地久，只在乎曾经拥有
I went thru a phase some years back where I tried to seek forgiveness and reconciliation with my friends. Then I realised that not all of them wanted that. So I had to come to the peace on my own.
Btw, glad we reconnected after so many years. When are we gonna jio Joelle out for coffee?
must be a candle but not light