Read a blog post written by this guy whom I subscribe to on Xanga. He was lamenting how he had allowed a 'silent war' get between him and his close friend.

I am reminded of my stupidity as a child and as a teenager. The price I paid for those moments of stupidity and how I am afraid I will find myself doing the same again and again.

I've fallen out with many friends in the past. I have this capacity to simply shut out everyone and ignore them and only concentrate on my own needs and desires. From various parts of my life - primary school, secondary school, jc, uni and even working life.

Each time I fall into a new circle of friends, my old ones are forgotten, given away in trade of these new shiny beings.

I am guilty.

I've been the initiator of cold wars. I know I fell away from my JC mates because of that. A stupid argument that made me reject their friendship. Something that I wish I had not been so stupid about all this time. For my JC mates, you know who you are. I'm sorry and hope one day we can mend that bridge.

I guess time has mellowed me. I rarely get angry to that point anymore. The last time that happened was over a year ago, perhaps more. Even if I do, I recognise the importance of forgiveness. Perhaps my heart has seen so much pain, that I am able to accept those people who hurt me.  Perhaps I am simply naïve and stupid. Perhaps I just value peace much more.

It frustrates me, the anger, the judgement, the horrible fear. The confusion and chaos it creates makes me wonder how do people live with such hatred, such emotions, such negativity.

It makes me weak. 

What do I do now? Where should I go? How should I fall? I have no answers. Simply many questions.

I do know this: A smile lights up a room. A frown darkens it. We are all reflections of our friends and we only need to see who we hang out with to know who we are. I refuse to be the thunder cloud in the sky. I will be the candle in the night.